he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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