$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
