you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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