i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
