This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
