OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Randomize
