dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
