Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
