Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
