It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
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