Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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