We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Pants are for mortals
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
