I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
