I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
