i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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