Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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