I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
