I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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