I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
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