u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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