The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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