So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
