Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
our cab driver is having phone sex.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
