I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
