The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
