I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
