I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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