Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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