Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He shit in the fireplace
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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