Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
