I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I enjoy the company of your penis
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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