I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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