you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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