there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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