She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
