three words: i give head
three words: not that well
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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