awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
