Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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