I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
