I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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