He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
