i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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