Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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