I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Randomize
