Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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