I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
