I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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