Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
