a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
