How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Randomize
