you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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