My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
