i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Randomize
